Speed of Writing is Inversely Proportional to Quality
"Once upon a time, chairs were living creatures.
Every day they would dance around in the fields. And they would play all day, and sleep all night.
But one day, an evil wizard came along and said, 'I'm going to kill you all!'
And the chairs said, 'Oh no no don't do that we don't want to die please don't kill us!'
And the wizard thought for a moment and said. 'Alright then. I will let you live. But on one condition: from now on, you will help humanity by providing the humans with places to sit, such that they shall continue to flourish and be able to practice their sedentary activities without the disgrace of having to sit on the floor.'
And that is the story of how chairs stopped being living creatures."
This is, as accurately as I can remember, a story that my dad used to tell me. He had others, which I suppose were quite similar actually, like his story 'the tables':
"Once upon a time, tables were living creatures.
Every day they would dance around in the fields. And they would play all day, and sleep all night.
But one day, an evil witch came along and said, 'I'm going to kill you all!'
And the witch said, 'Oh no no don't do that we don't want to die please don't kill us!'
And the witch thought for a moment and said. 'Alright then. I will let you live. But on one condition: from now on, you will help humanity by providing the humans with places to put their things, such that they no longer have to worry that their mugs break when they attempt to place them in mid-air.
And that is the story of how tables stopped being living creatures."
Alternatively, there was his classic 'windows' tale:
"Once upon a time, windows were living creatures.
Every day they would dance around in the fields. And they would play all day, and sleep all night.
But one day, an evil leprechaun came along and said, 'I'm going to kill you all!'
And the windows said, 'Oh no no don't do that we don't want to die please don't kill us!'
And the leprechaun thought for a moment and said. 'Alright then. I will let you live. But on one condition: from now on, you will help humanity by providing the humans with the ability to see through walls.
And that is the story of how chairs stopped being living creatures."
Looking back, I remain puzzled as to the pedagogic intention behind these stories. Was he trying to teach an important lesson about negotiation and compromise? Was it an early way of introducing me to complex themes of death and inanimacy? A warning against the dangers of vigilante magic? Maybe it was a satire on the laziness of writers, who so often repeat the same tropes, narratives and phrases again and again, with only a few minor alterations. Or perhaps it was a satire on the laziness of writers, who so often repeat the same tropes, phrases and narratives again and again, with only a couple of minor changes.
I have never thought of myself as a very good storyteller. I've a good memory, but not the kind of vividness of recollection that anecdotes require - although I increasingly come around to the view that people who are good at telling stories are better at blowing things up than they are at telling stories per se. But perhaps these two things are one and the same!
No interesting stories to tell at the moment, in any case. I've just got back from another trip up to Cambridge. It was a fun eating day. Eating, if it hasn't already become apparent on here, is essentially the main event and joy of my existence. I'm very much a YOETTAD kind of guy (You Only Eat Three Times A Day). For Lunch I went to pizza hut with Ellie, which was grand, except that I ate too much on the buffet. There is no longer a pizza hut in my town, or a McDonalds, or a Burger King, or a KFC. I hope people do not think it is sad that I consider driving to the service out of town for a Burger King to be a treat.
For dinner I went to Giraffe with my lovely friend Rachael, who I believe has not come up on this blog before. Rachael's one of my older friends - we have sung together in a choir in our town called Cantate since we were both single digits (Read more here! https://www.cantate.co.uk/); indeed we were both part of the double-gold-medal-winning choir that went to the World Choir Games in Latvia in 2014! (There's a story I probably ought to tell on here!). It is very strange remembering someone several years ago having been an old friend THEN, but she was, which is quite nice. By a series of quite fortunate events, Rachael ended up going to Christ's at the same time as me despite originally applying a year earlier and to a different college, and I remember it being super reassuring knowing at least one person already in college before I went to Cambridge. She's a brilliant friend. Am I just using this blog to praise various of my friends? Yes.
Anywho, tiredness calls now.
RJLF
Every day they would dance around in the fields. And they would play all day, and sleep all night.
But one day, an evil wizard came along and said, 'I'm going to kill you all!'
And the chairs said, 'Oh no no don't do that we don't want to die please don't kill us!'
And the wizard thought for a moment and said. 'Alright then. I will let you live. But on one condition: from now on, you will help humanity by providing the humans with places to sit, such that they shall continue to flourish and be able to practice their sedentary activities without the disgrace of having to sit on the floor.'
And that is the story of how chairs stopped being living creatures."
This is, as accurately as I can remember, a story that my dad used to tell me. He had others, which I suppose were quite similar actually, like his story 'the tables':
"Once upon a time, tables were living creatures.
Every day they would dance around in the fields. And they would play all day, and sleep all night.
But one day, an evil witch came along and said, 'I'm going to kill you all!'
And the witch said, 'Oh no no don't do that we don't want to die please don't kill us!'
And the witch thought for a moment and said. 'Alright then. I will let you live. But on one condition: from now on, you will help humanity by providing the humans with places to put their things, such that they no longer have to worry that their mugs break when they attempt to place them in mid-air.
And that is the story of how tables stopped being living creatures."
Alternatively, there was his classic 'windows' tale:
"Once upon a time, windows were living creatures.
Every day they would dance around in the fields. And they would play all day, and sleep all night.
But one day, an evil leprechaun came along and said, 'I'm going to kill you all!'
And the windows said, 'Oh no no don't do that we don't want to die please don't kill us!'
And the leprechaun thought for a moment and said. 'Alright then. I will let you live. But on one condition: from now on, you will help humanity by providing the humans with the ability to see through walls.
And that is the story of how chairs stopped being living creatures."
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| Is this what happened to the Teletubbies? |
Looking back, I remain puzzled as to the pedagogic intention behind these stories. Was he trying to teach an important lesson about negotiation and compromise? Was it an early way of introducing me to complex themes of death and inanimacy? A warning against the dangers of vigilante magic? Maybe it was a satire on the laziness of writers, who so often repeat the same tropes, narratives and phrases again and again, with only a few minor alterations. Or perhaps it was a satire on the laziness of writers, who so often repeat the same tropes, phrases and narratives again and again, with only a couple of minor changes.
I have never thought of myself as a very good storyteller. I've a good memory, but not the kind of vividness of recollection that anecdotes require - although I increasingly come around to the view that people who are good at telling stories are better at blowing things up than they are at telling stories per se. But perhaps these two things are one and the same!
No interesting stories to tell at the moment, in any case. I've just got back from another trip up to Cambridge. It was a fun eating day. Eating, if it hasn't already become apparent on here, is essentially the main event and joy of my existence. I'm very much a YOETTAD kind of guy (You Only Eat Three Times A Day). For Lunch I went to pizza hut with Ellie, which was grand, except that I ate too much on the buffet. There is no longer a pizza hut in my town, or a McDonalds, or a Burger King, or a KFC. I hope people do not think it is sad that I consider driving to the service out of town for a Burger King to be a treat.
For dinner I went to Giraffe with my lovely friend Rachael, who I believe has not come up on this blog before. Rachael's one of my older friends - we have sung together in a choir in our town called Cantate since we were both single digits (Read more here! https://www.cantate.co.uk/); indeed we were both part of the double-gold-medal-winning choir that went to the World Choir Games in Latvia in 2014! (There's a story I probably ought to tell on here!). It is very strange remembering someone several years ago having been an old friend THEN, but she was, which is quite nice. By a series of quite fortunate events, Rachael ended up going to Christ's at the same time as me despite originally applying a year earlier and to a different college, and I remember it being super reassuring knowing at least one person already in college before I went to Cambridge. She's a brilliant friend. Am I just using this blog to praise various of my friends? Yes.
 |
| Extraordinary Hair. |
Anywho, tiredness calls now.
RJLF
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